Some days, my brain doesn't like me but I still love it anyway

It sounds really strange, doesn't it? Describing my brain as a separate person, but sometimes it really does feel like it is.

Some days, my brain and my body don't get a long at all - to the point where my body wants to get up and be productive and get things done, but my brain just wants to switch off for a while and monotonously count the lights that flicker through my blinds and onto my ceiling.

Some days, I'll give in to this desire.

Some days, I'll start feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions and my brain will work overtime trying to process them. This turns into an afternoon of over thinking, worrying and anxiety.

Some days, I won't feel anything at all. Some days, I'm almost numb.

But, without getting too down - this is only a percentage of my life. This is only some days. 

There are days when all of the sadness in the world can't keep me down - where my head is racing with ideas and my body actually commits to helping me make them a reality.
There are days where I'll roll out of bed, feeling as fresh as a daisy and I can't keep myself from smiling.

There are days I feel the confidence radiating from my every being and I feel like I can conquer the world.

There are days in which my inspiration is wholly empowering, it reminds me so much of the reasons I love my quirky little brain.

Mental health has become such a big part of my life over the last couple of years, with not only myself but so many people within my circles - family, friends, people around me. I have seen the strongest of people falter and fall, I've seen ignorance beyond anything you can imagine and I have seen people harness their troubles to blossom into their strongest, truest selves. 

I am passionate more than ever that our mental health can be ever so important to personal growth.

It's been a year since I was diagnosed with depression and I've known I'd had anxiety since I was (at least) a teenager. In this last year I have experienced what it has felt like on almost all sides of the emotional spectrum. My mental health has had it's lowest and highest points and my life has flipped completely on it's head and back.

If you've been with me for any time at all, you may remember this post I wrote back in December of 2016 - all about my lack of motivation. It's one of the only old posts I still have live on this blog, and there's a reason for that.

Looking back over the post, I can see my depression. I can feel what I felt at that time. It should really have rung those alarm bells for me and I suppose in a way it did - as later that month was when I made some of the biggest changes of my life (including letting go of some relationships, making the decision to put uni off for the rest of the year, etc).

My mental health has manifested in so many ways - though mostly I feel it through my university life. That isn't to say that it only comes out through uni, that isn't true at all. We all know university is stressful and I'm not saying that that is the cause of my poor mental health, but that's just the times when I've noticed my most substantial turns.

Since getting a diagnosis, I've begun to understand exactly why I've been feeling the way I do, begun to see and try to learn why I struggle so much at certain points in my life or with particular experiences and situations.

I've also started to learn how to cope.

It can often feel difficult, when in the middle of a severe-low episode, to see the light or to pull yourself out of it. I know that over the last year, things got ever so much worse before they got better. But I've slowly learnt to recognise my own triggers, in turn noticing when things are getting bad and how to pull myself back to the present day instead of letting it eat me up inside.

When I'm having a bad time, sometimes I can't just pick myself up and carry on - anyone with any mental health condition will know that all too well. But more and more, I'm fixing myself. If I have a bad day, I'll let it ride, I'll let the emotions take over and I'll let it pass. It's important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and to let your sensitivity in, but it's also crucial to recognise when enough is enough.

It may sound very silly but positive thinking really does work wonders. Putting on some of my favourite music and remembering that things can and will get better. That no matter how stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted I get - I can pick myself up. I can change my life in whatever way I want and just because my brain sometimes gives up, it doesn't mean I have to.

I am worthy. I am good enough. I am not my sadness.

My mental health has taught me that I am more than a mood-swing. It has taught me the power of positive thinking, of trusting in your own self, your spirituality and your growth. My depression has pushed me truly to my limits and I don't doubt that it will continue to test me, but I also know that I am stronger.

Some days, my brain doesn't like me but I still love it anyway.

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